She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
