you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
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