Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
