I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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