From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
