your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
