ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
then he tried to convert me to islam
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
