It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Randomize
