my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Randomize
