"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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