forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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