I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
