why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
