I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
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