I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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