Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
