Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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