My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
