Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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