My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
