I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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