alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Randomize
