I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
