I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
