He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
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