i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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