and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Randomize
