I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
