I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
