I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Randomize
