i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
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I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
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My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
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