life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
