i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
