i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
