Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
