I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Randomize
