Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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