How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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