worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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