How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Dignity is for republicans.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
