She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
