My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
You are a genius and a whore.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
