when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
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