I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
