My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
