That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
