Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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