seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Randomize
