They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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