I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
quick i need to know how implid consent works for golf carts
too late i think im gettin a gcui
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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