it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize
