You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
