I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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