The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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