I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
