Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
